Sunday, May 1, 2011

Three little birds..... and they won't shut the fuck up

EDIT NOTE: The following post was made the night BEFORE the death of Bin Laden

First let me apologize in advance for whatever comes out of my "mouth" right now, because I'm incapable of filtering at the present moment. Anxiety is eating me alive at the moment to point I can barely breathe.
Been trying to sleep for hours now, and my racing thoughts are like a thousand people SCREAMING in my ear at once. Along with the birds outside that are incredibly over enthusiastic and vocal.
Just hours of panic and hatred for these birds.

Maybe the gung ho attitude I've had this past week has run it's coarse, maybe I've just put too much preasure on myself with it, maybe it's all the supportive "Hey this guy's going to be alright" that I've been getting from many others lately, but one thing seems aparent at this very moment... I am in over my fucking head. I'm new to this, so I've allowed myself a bit of idealism thinking my research will follow a set course and move me through in a timely fashion, but who the fuck am I kidding? I don't know the first damn thing about this shit.
I don't even know how the state I've been in for over a year and a half is even going to acknowledge me as one of it's own. My residence wasnt on paper, it was simply staying with a woman who was trying to help me get back to the person she knew I was, and I just sank deeper. She did everything for me and I couldn't do for myself. Even on my way out she one simple thing of me.. rather I offered, and I couldn't even pull myself together long enough to do that. And somehow she still loves and cares about me, and that in itself is just another example of me just not pulling my weight.
I don't understand how a subconscious part of me took control and played the main role in my life for so fucking long.
It was a chain reaction that occurred with a perfect recipe of tragedy, followed by false hopes leading to let downs, followed by more tragedy, more hopes and let downs, more tragedy...... but thats fucking life, isn't it?
On Sept 10th 2001, I was at the top of my game, but the next day I had to watch that bullshit go down live in front of me, not on TV, knowing I had friends there, knowing my girlfriend at the time was in there, knowing that one of my cooks who I recomended for the job was in there, and the just the numbers. So many people at once, and watching the little specs falling knowing they were people jumping choosing that as a better death.
I remember going to 17 memorial services in a 30 day period
Don't get me wrong, this isn't about 9/11, it's about why did the rest of the city bounce back and I didn't?
Why was every fucking choice I've made since then been a bad one? Why did I kid myself thinking it was going to be a "fresh start" for me to just start working for myself doing other things?
The funniest shit ever is I remember saying to myself and others, because I had worked so hard and so long at my carreer, that i was "taking my life back".... holy shit, you talk about a defining moment in life that if I could rewind to and do over, that was it.
I didnt take a fucking thing back, I threw my life out like it was fucking trash, and removed myself so far from the system, that now I have no clue what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
I have a ten year hole in my life, a state ID from a RI, Massachusetts food stamps card, can't see two feet in front of me, and it's 5:14 in the morning, I'm in tears, and the only reason I'm writing now is because it's the only way I can focus a singular thing..... well this and the birds.
Soon as I'm done my head will go back to a thousand screaming thoughts bringing me closer to insanity.

Why the fuck couldn't I bounce back????????
Make no mistake, my life was FAR from charmed before 9/11... everything of my childhood was complete shit. But I left soon as I could and I paved my own way... I bounced back. What the fuck happened to me??

Why have I essentially slept through every oportunity? Why have I disapointed the single greatest person to enter my life? WHY THE FUCK WON'T THESE BIRDS SHUT UP???????

And now I'm supposed to just  turn it all right around?
Holy shit... what the fuck did I do to myself?

Anyway, I guess I'm done, and I'll try sleeping again.
Oh and by the way, seeing as I now have The Sisters of Mercy following me, I guess I should apologize for the language! LOL Sorry Sisters, I'm just really on the brink here. I'll try more uplifting tomorrow hopefully

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