Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Sincere Thanks

I want to thank those that contributed to Mondays BBQ! You gave a bunch of great, intelligent guys a chance to relax and forget about all the other stuff for an afternoon, and just sit, eat, and laugh like gentlemen. And most important, Pops finally got his Pork Chop! :)

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Frustration is setting in

Ok, so I'm spending the morning with Pops (elderly gentleman we got the shoes for) and I find out that he don't have food stamps either! When asked why, he simply didn't know anything about them. Now this is another god damn day tomorrow I have to take someone to the DTA.
Listen, I'm not trying to rewrite policies, but when a shelter hands you the papers with rules and everything, would it be so fucking hard to just add basic info, like "Hey, you're entitled to $200 a month worth of food!", and an address to go get it. Is this not something that might be just a little important? WHAT THE FUCK???

Look, if by the outside chance you are homeless in the Boston area and reading this, go to the Department of Transitional Assistance, at 1010 Mass Ave (4 blocks east of Boston Medical Center), and tell them you want food stamps!! They will print you a card right on the spot, and in 24 to 48hrs you will have money for food and Mass Health insurance!!!!

Holy shit, this is starting to wear me down. I'm going to print out sheets of info, and when new guys come into the shelter, after they are done with the intake with the staff, I'm going to do my own fucking intake with them, as well as leave info on table at the soup kitchens right next to the coffee.

I swear I'm ready to break something I'm so fucking frustrated!!
Pardon my language today, but c'mon, someone is homeless and hungry and entitled to this and not told immediately? Ridiculous

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Help sponsor a homeless BBQ

Ok, so at the shelter right now moral is high! Alot of the less desirable guests are gone for failing urine tests, and now a bunch have brand new food stamps, so we're thinking it's time to celebrate!
A few of us are talking about having a BBQ for memorial day.
We've got all the food and drink covered with food stamps, and we can either go to s park here which we'd have to pay for a permit, or if we can raise enough for ferry rides I'm thinking the Boston harbor islands.
We would just need ferry rides and coal, or permits and coal.
So how about it. Want to help make a few guys feel normal for the holiday? Couple are even veterans!
Just use the donate link to give whatever you can spare.

Thank you


Tuesday, May 24, 2011


So I've been quite busy lately, seems since I've been in a holding pattern waiting on my own stuff, I've become quite the busy case manager and advocate for other homeless guys!
With some help from donations, and someof my own money, of which I have virtually none, I've been getting these guys transit passes and getting them around town and taking them personally to apply for stuff, and proud to say that as of this morning there are now FOUR other guys, that had been stuck waiting on BS case management and clinics and whatnot, that now have $200 a month in Food Stamps, now have health insurance to go to hospitals instead of clinics, all have welfare pending, 2 have SSI pending, one has a social security card, and one now has state ID!! Hell I don't even have state ID yet because I can't afford the $25 dollars! LOL
Point is, shit is getting done and it feels good! There's also people at shelter with new shoes thanks to Fran from Mitzvah Circle, and more clothes coming in for the guys this week.

This is all great, but you know what.... I'm tired, and after just a little helping out at DTA this morning for a friend, I am now taking rest of the day to just... well... actually cant really afford to do much, but at least I can do nothing by myself, in quiet! :-)

On Brighter side of personal end, I've been published in Spare Change News!! This is kind of exciting seeing as I've never been formally published in anything, so I'd be lying if I said it wasn't fun seeing my work in print! Issue will be available online later this week I believe so I will post a link, but if in the Boston area, please pick up a copy when you see someone selling them, these guys work hard to make some change for themselves, so every paper sold helps.
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Other than that, I really don't have too much else to say, just tired, but in a good way, and looking to relax, and hoping there's some descent food at the shelter tonight, because it's noon and I am starving already! LOL

Oh yeah, another gem I stumbled upon this weekend is a homeless artist named Ed Johnson, this guy does work with a ball point pen that will blow your mind!! I'm hoping to interview him more later this week, but here's a sample, and to see the real thing you can catch him, most days, on Boylston St across from the park.
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Guess that's it......... not my finiest writing, I know, but I'm a little burnt out. Anyway, have a great week folks, and remember any help you can give via donation is greatly apreciated. Kind of hard spending the little cash I have for myself on others, but the bigger picture is worth it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

My greatest lesson in relativity.

Going through something like this in life changes you, no question, but sometimes the levels at which it hits home still surprise me.
Last night I got a great lesson in relativity. I had told you about the old man at my shelter that was in need of shoes, well I’ve been learning a lot from this man in regards to what is important, and frankly he doesn’t even know he’s teaching me this lesson.
Yesterday two people leading separate, but joined, lives were experiencing a less than great day.

For him, the day had taken a bad turn when he finally received a check that he had been waiting on for quite some time, and when he had taken it to the bank to cash it, the bank had taken what was owed to them, and essentially left him penniless again.
Not that you would ever know it, because this man, while quiet for the most part, always has a smile on his face, laughs at all my silliness, and generally always keeps a great sense of peace and happiness, regardless of his situation in life.

For me, while I’ve been truly finding an inner peace, and greater sense of self awareness since I’ve begun this journey up from the bottom, I learned that I’m certainly not unbreakable, and it’s the smaller things that can do it.
One of things I purchased for myself was a $4 pillow from the dollar store, because the pillows they give at the shelter (all shelters) are these vinyl pillows about a half inch thick, and I’m a 3 to 4 pillow man. So like many things in my life, I learned I don’t need 4 pillows, I just need one.
However when I came back to the shelter yesterday, my pillow was gone. I went to the office and asked if they had taken my pillow and sure enough, they stripped me of my pillow since it was not regulation.
Now any of the other attendants would, and have, simply ignored it when checking the bed area during the day, but not this guy, he is known as “that guy” who will go by the book, even to the disagreement of his own superiors. So now my pillow was gone.
Yes, just a pillow, and god knows it’s probably the most trivial of events that have taken place in my life, especially as of late, but at that moment, being stripped of that $4 pillow, became the sum total of everything that had kept my balance. I tried to just let it go, but I couldn’t, I sat and obsessed on it, angry and rage building by the second, to the point I literally even broke out in hives. It had become my one connection to the civilized world. The one thing that let me feel even the slightest sense that things were ok, and now it was gone.

So here I am stewing in the loss of my pillow, and two beds over is “Pops”(as I call him), also silently stewing in his personal setbacks for the day, when suddenly I get word that a package had come for me! Now I knew what it was, and oddly enough it was not expected for at least another day or two, yet somehow when needed the most, it arrived yesterday.
It was the shoes that Mitzvah Circle had sent to me to give to Pops because his shoes had gotten a hole in them several days earlier, and I simply could not stand to see this delightful old man walking in the rain with holes in his shoes. Foot care is something that becomes a main point in life when in this situation.
So I get the box, and there’s three pairs of shoes, and one of them just really look perfect for him, and I’m hoping those are the ones that fit. So I go over to his bed, and with box in hand, and tell him to check them out and see what fits, and sure enough the ones he went right for, were a perfect fit!!
Now at that point both of ours day had immediately gotten better, but what he did next touched me in a way I never imagined.
I found out from caseworker a few days earlier that this man had written a published book. So when I gave him the shoes, he gave me a great big hug, not a man shoulder bump, but a true heartfelt hug, and then he told to wait because he had something for me. So he takes a moment digging through his bag, and hands me a copy of his book, with the Roman numeral IV handwritten on it. He then tells me that’s it signed in the back pages already, and it’s reserved for someone who shows him kindness.
Now I’m in a jailhouse type surrounding, and I big burly, heavily tattooed guy, but at that moment I had to fight real hard from tearing up.
I’ve received many great gifts in life, from many people, that had great meaning to me, but I now have my absolute prized possession in life. There is nothing that could mean more to me, then that book does.

Moments like that, you can’t help but step back and put it all in perspective. Moments later it was the sanctioned smoke break and he told me about his bad day, and how the shoes totally brought the day back for him, and I shared my pillow story and how that book turned my day around.

I don’t have all the things I want in life right now, but in many ways, I have everything I need, and in other ways I’m richer than I’ve ever been.
One day I’ll have him tell about books number 1 – 3, and here’s hoping he gets to give out many more, because I personally can’t think of anyone more deserving of kindness.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Shelter rules from D Block

So it's apparent I need to explain how a "dry" shelter works before you people get me killed lol
Please understand when an organization offers to send me a shipment of shoes because I just had some sent for one old man..... I am both flatteterd and grateful for your kindness, but if I start visibly playing santa clause here you're putting a target on me.
Just like people asking me to take pictures to go with the story..... Seriously, I don't know how it is when you all go to events, soup kitchens, church shelters, or just on the street, but here it's different.
This is a clean, organized, and great place to be as far as shelters go, because people are clean and SOBER. In fact we all take urine tests upon entry and subject to random testing.
Now with this means theres mostly people out of rehab trying to put thier life together, and people coming out of jail trying to put their life together. But one thing they are not.... Is looking for any kind of attention lol

Everyone is great, and fun, because frankly I blend well with these types, but the last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself, piss off the wrong people, or even get caught helping the wrong person.
We keep it casual and light hearted and nobody gets hurt! Lol
Things are good till they're not good, then a jailhouse mentality kicks in, sides are taken, and word is on the street.
I will not be rocking the boat.

Even the shoes for "pops", I have Mitzvah Circle sending the shoes to the case worker here, NOT ME. He knows the deal, and knows what to do with them, but thats it.
If I help someone it's between me and them and thats it.
These people don't know about my blog, or anything else I do, and that is exactly how it will stay.

So please, no offers of large shipments, no busses of happy people in matching T shirts with cupcakes, no smiles and hugs lol

I'm simply helping where I know I can without anyone else here having to know anyone elses business.
I'm already nervous that Fran sent 3 pairs of shoes instead of the one pair lol
I just told the old man that my ex's brother had left some shoes that should fit him and I was having them sent over. Every part of that is a lie lol
But he dont feel like charity, I dont look like a do-gooder, and things stay simple and private. The only thing that matters is that he's getting shoes, and the other guy is getting gov't assistance. No need for fanfare.

So please, this is not a movement! Just one schmuck trying to make good on my past sins ....... QUIETLY :)

Now that being said, we got the other guy applied for stuff and got his train pass, but could still use donations for one other guy to get a subway pass for Saturday....... That would be me! He's now mobile but come Saturday i'll be stuck with no transportation, so a little help would be appreciated :)
And obviously i'll keep doing what I can for people, just need to do it on the down low.
So dont be afraid to click that donate button, it helps others and myself.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

A little help please, to help others

So as you know already I've been able to speed myself through some of the red tape and now I'm in a bit of a waiting process.
As you also know I've been able to pass some of this knowledge on for someone else to help themselves faster, and quite frankly it felt really good.
However yesterday something happened that was just fantastic.
If you read my article "The untold stories", I spoke of a man who has a bad heart, who has been on the street for about 20 years, and in some rough shelters for the last 10.
Well when I last seen him and told him about the place I was heading to, he asked me how to get into it.
I gave him the number and made him promise that he would call every morning at exactly 8:59. Not 9:01, but 8:59, every day.
Well yesterday I came "home" to the shelter, and there he is! He yelled out to me, gave me a great big hug, and I gotta tell ya, this warmed my heart!
He it's now, at least got the next 90 days in the cleanest, quietest place he's been in 20 years! He had some pizza, a shower, and hit the bed and slept like a baby till this morning!

Now here's what I need. Since I have nothing but time during the day to wait on my stuff, I want to take him personally to apply for some stuff, so he can get some basic help right away, and hopefully get him on his way to long term better living.

I just need a few bucks to get him around town the next few days on the busses and subway.
I never thought I'd be a do-gooder, but frankly I can help, I have the time to help, and theres people right here that I can get immediate results for.

All I need is a train pass for him for the week. If I get a little extra, than I would like to grab a $4 pair of shoes from the thrift store for another ADORABLE old man--seriously this guy gotta be 130 lol--because he got a hole in his shoes on the metal steps leading to the shelter. Especially in this rain you need solid shoes.
If I get those, than frankly something with a hood for me would be nice in this rainy season, but that being said I got a baseball cap so it's not that bad.

Seriously though, I'm in a position to give real help, right now, from the inside. So I'm sking for your help. If 15ppl send ONE dollar each, I can get this guy around town for the week and get him food stamps, welfare, and apply for anything else we can.
Four more dollars and a delightful old man gets shoes. This ain't much, and at this point I've come to realise that i personally have everything I need. So if I can help others, my time here is not wasted.
So please click the donation link and give any little bit, and it will go where I know the results will most needed for those who need it most.

Thank you in advance.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Case management, from the inside out

So what does my future hold? Who knows, but maybe I have a future as a case worker, seeing as I started my first one today :)
A buddy of mine in the shelter has apparently been caught up in an endless waiting game just trying to get Mass Health because he's been going to a free clinic about his spine injuries.
So I got him started in direction to get his mass health & food stamps within the week, and to apply for SSI and deal with the hospital instead of clinic.
Again another case of someone in the system waiting months to do what I did in a week because they're just following the process that "they" tell you to. When the fact is all of these things are available NOW if you apply yourself instead of waiting on case management procedure.

When his food stamps kick in, I got a meal coming, on him :)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Kindness and strength from others

When you're in this type of situation in life, it humbles you. You don't "want" to rely on the help of others, but fact is you'll be lost without.
I haven't had to ask anyone on the street for anything, but I do still ask for donations on this site, and that is the reason that right now I can get to my appointments this coming week, and it's why theres a lock on my locker at the shelter keeping what little belongings I have safe.
It's thanks to this kindness that I have a pillow to rest my head on at night.

It's thanks to the wonderful Mitzvah Circle organization that I have glasses to see when my insurance would only cover exam!
This is hard enough, now imagine doing just about blind.

Point is I just want to make sure people realise that when you read about the progress I'm making, and the opportunities I'm utilizing, I'm truly making it through with the help of my readers, and for that I'm eternally grateful, and you can rest assured that this has changed my life, and when I'm back on my feet, I will do all I can to pay it forward, and help give others the same push and opportunities.

Thank you all, you not only help me make through day to day, but you've all given me a life changing perspective.

For now.... Still John Doe

Friday, May 13, 2011

Ain't I homeless enough for ya

I can't shake a statement that was causally made yesterday to me via Twitter.
I posted a picture of this park that is down the block from the shelter I'm staying in, with a comment that simply stated something along the lines of it being relaxing.

Now the response I got from someone rattled me, although I know it was well intended, so please don't think I'm upset at this person, but it seemed.... well..... I don't know what it seemed lol
This is the response I got:

"parks are relaxing just don't get trespassed for having a beer or talking to woman you can lose the privilege easy"

Ok, again, I know this person meant well, but I can't help but feel this stereotyping is what makes homelessness an issue that don't get enough attention.

First off..... Why in the world would you expect I'm having a beer? In the park....during the day...
Seriously? Listen I enjoy a good beer as much as the next guy, especially a nice ale, but I haven't "swilled" beer out of a bag in a park since I'm a teenager.
Does homelessness automatically make me have bad taste?

Don't get caught speaking to women? Wow, this one blows my mind. I'll let you in on a secret, I'm a charming man, and I've always known how to communicate with women in a non offensive manner.
I had coffee with my ex yesterday morning, who is a BEAUTIFUL woman. Do you think people were staring wondering what she was doing in starbucks with that homeless man? If anything we always got the occasional looks because I'm a"little" older than her, and she really should be out of my league on my best day, but other than that, no freaked out looks.....
And I'll tell you why....

Brace yourself, this may come as a shock...

I look and act, like anyone else, or probably better!
I'm well dressed, I shower daily, I'm freshly shaved, I'm polite, and I know how to act in public!
Sorry to break it to you, but I'm not in the park drunk and cat calling to any woman passing by!
I'm a normal man, sitting on a bench for moment, having a smoke, and resting my feet before I go to my next apointment.

Homeless means exactly that, I don't have a home, and that is the ONLY thing you should assume you know about me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A short strange trip

As I sit on an empty bus waiting to depart to a new shelter, I can't help but quietly reflect at just how much my life has changed in one weeks time.
I'm not talking about the "falling down" to homelessness, I'm talking about the strength it's given me to start finding myself again.
The strength to seek the real medical help I've needed for so long, as well as the discipline that I've desperately needed back in my life.

I'll write more tomorrow, but for now I'm just going to enjoy the ride, and take in the view. In other words, just going to keep moving forward :)

Monday, May 9, 2011

Illegal transmition from the compound

As I write this I have my back to the wall and pretending to read a book--Chuck Klosterman would be proud to see his work being used for a greater good--with the cell phone hidden in it.
Just had a mishap that mademy heart jump into my throat. I had changed beds, but was told to leave my numerically corresponding locker till they cleared the other one for me. Well needles to say the morning and evening staff had a communication breakdown, and as I'm reading(don't worry Chuck I do actually read it, I find the lack of point oddly soothing) they bolt cut my locker and removed my belongings!
While sympathetic to my situation, they offered no help on obtaining a new lock.
Fortunately as in any swept aside culture, cigarette tobacco is, and always will be, acceptable form of currency and I was able to "buy" a new lock from someone who wsd leaving tonight anyway, and needed the smoke more than the lock.

While I'm here sneaking the phone to write, I've also snagged a couple of pics.
One of the beds, and one of the smoking yard.

Ok gotta go, it's almost my turn to use the shower.

Homeless and never been busier

Oddly enough I'm finding that homelessness has me busier than ever.
I'm waiting to see my second psychiatrist of the day, still have to go after this and schedule a physical.
Tomorrow I have to go put my name on waiting list for housing, then head over to dept of transitional assistance to apply for welfare, as well as pick up medical forms to apply for SSI and bring those back here to hospital to get signed.
Then I have to take some forms someplace else to apply for discounted transportation.
And I have to stop at eye doctor to order glasses.
Also my psycho therapist is working on getting me into a shelter with a calm environment for long as I need it.

I do want to walk through the process in more detail for anyone finding themselves looking for a guide, but you have to give me some time. A lot happening very fast and right now I have my phone hidden in a book so i can post this, seeing as theres no cell phones allowed here.

Will post more tomorrow if I have time, but I gotta say, I'm stretched pretty thin right now.

Rough waters

Last night was a tough one for me. Spent the majority of the night fighting off waves of panic attacks, and frankly this morning not much better.
Have an appointment for a"medication evaluation" this afternoon, so I'm trying to see if I can get in to see the psychiatrist before that.

Thats all. Nothing witty this morning, sorry.

Quick edit: Just managed to get an opening for 11 am with a therapist before the meds appointment. So I at least feel a little better

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A load off my shoulders

This time the title is not one of my usual witty play on words, I mean this one quite literally.
Today was the first day in a few where I wasn't carrying everything I owned with me. Walking miles upon miles for the sake of killing time is bad enough, lugging all this shit around certainly don't help matters.

Today I could finally face the morning with a fresh nights sleep, a fresh outlook, and not carrying a damn thing! Never been so happy for a locker.

Spent first night in shelter last night. I won't say too much seeing as a local paper had asked me for an article on the experience.
However I have to say they may be disappointed, seeing as it will probably be a fluff piece. Frankly the experience was great considering I know whats out there lol
Now maybe I should be expected to suffer more for my art, but excuse me for getting a good one first shot out :)

Anyway I'm next door now having coffee, charging my phone, listening to Wu-Tang, and wishing you all a good day. I'll be checking in for dinner soon, last nights shepherds pie and mixed baby green salad was quite lovely lol

Peace out....

PS: Don't be afraid of that donate button. Daddy needs a new pair of shoes...... No really. Need some shower shoes and apparently PayLess is in the business of charging 30 freaking dollars for a pair of flip flops??
Seems they forgot their mission statement.
I'm telling you, when I'm back up and running, you better watch out Mr Man, I'm coming for you and the establishment with a fucking vengance!
In the words of the great Wu Tang Clan.... Ya'll Been Warned

Friday, May 6, 2011

Steaming pile of soul

They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die, but sometimes it happens before you start living again.
If you've kept up with my tirades, you know I've been coming to terms with a lot these days, but never til today did I have my very soul just ripped right from my body and just laid out in front of me.
You go through life and things happen, and you think of these things, sometimes in groups, sometimes individually, but when you look at ALL of them, every little detail, from your earliest memory tool the moment of the test, it can't help but overwhelm you.
To reflect on everything in one sitting is.... Well frankly it's glutinous and hard to swallow.
I'm so drained that I'm an hour away from my first night in a shelter, and frankly I'm too tired to care ;)


So I'm sitting in the emergency room, it's almost 4 am, and if I'm lucky I'll see a doctor around 9 or 10 am.
However I did have the pleasure of seeing a psychiatric nurse, who once I broke through her tough shell, was quite delightful :)
At first she just wasn't having it, I'm talking to reg nurse taking my info, who called her down, and she looks at me with stern face, and says..... "what time is it?", in an angry voice with hands to hips, and then asks me again even louder as I stare at her blankly, confused to where she was going with it.

So she finally commands me to the next room with as much attitude as she can roll out her eyes.
This woman apparently has seen and heard it all, and had her fill. However 5 minutes go by, and she kind of warning up to me, then next thing you know, a few moments later I'm handing her back the tissues she gave me because now SHE is in tears! Lol
When I was pulled away from the original kind hearted nurse, she looked at me as if she were sending me off to my doom.
I will never forget the look on her face when she had to come in the room for something and found us both in tears. she stopped kind of looked at us, and backed out as if she had witnessed a miracle, and gave me a cute smile once she was out the door and out of the line of sight of the psych nurse :)

I may be homeless, I may be bat shit crazy, but at least I'm still charming :)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

And still I rise

Ok, so I'm going to keep this short and sweet because I now truly understand the true of a fully charged cell battery. But it has been quite the day. I banked my first day on the streets with the belief, from the info givenfrom my phone call to them, that going to Boston Health Care for Homeless Program, that not only would I get to speak to a dr or therapist, but i'd be able to get case management, shelter placement, and stuff right away, so I made that my first stop. However after spending bulk of day there I left with nothing but an appointment for 2 weeks from now. which by the time I was done all the shelters I could find and call were full. This left me now with the option to start ER process late in the day, but if they don't admit me I'm out of there late evening with place to go. After some panic, I calmed myself and figured my best bet is to now go to the ER for psych crisis, but il go about 1 am and figure even if they don't admit me, the process could take up most of the night and at least I'm indoors and can call shelters again first thing in the morning. But the reason I have no regrets is I got to see someone very important to me and say alot of things that needed to be said. I'm cold and incredibly tired, and because I got to see you tonight and properly apologize... I have no regrets :)

Rebooting the system

Ok, so not to use a horrible cliche', but I guess in a sense today truly is the "first day of the rest of my life".
Sitting having coffee and mentally preparing myself for going to seek psychiatric help for the first time. A visit which is 10 yrs ovedue. On top of that I'm also preparing myself for what will be my first night in a shelter.
Trying to keep the stress of the latter in check, seeing as the first stop at Dr is to deal with my stress, so trying to...... ummm...... ok, I'll tell you what I'm trying to do, I'm trying to be my usual long winded self and give you an interesting read into my day, but I'll be honest, I don't really have the right words for anything today.
Not that I'm freaking out, I'm just tired and anxious.

Spent the night just quietly reading a book at the train station. Nobody bothered me, because as of yet I don't display "the signs" of a homeless person. I'm dressed good, I smell good, I'm polite, so I couldn't possibly be homeless right? I appear "normal" to the untrained eye, so society is not yet overlooking me. I wonder how many people who smile, and even flirt, with me this morning ever really understand just how close anyone could be to a series of events that land them into a situation they believe 100% could NEVER be them?
Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them, or harbor resentment, I never thought it possible myself, but thats the danger.

Anyway, don't think I've really said anything great here today. Just felt I should write something as I begin this day.
More to come, hopefully some of it good

Monday, May 2, 2011

Some overdue positivity

If you've read my last 2 entries you know that even the whole homeless thing aside, this has been a very rough 48hrs for me. Part of my problems over the last decade have been denial of the extent of my problems, and the "If I ignore it, it will go away and things will be better" mindset. To anyone dealing with depression or any kind of trauma, this mindset is SO dangerous, and things only escalate, they do NOT get better on your own.
And now that I have no choice but to face it all head on, it is wildly overwhelming

Anyway my point here tonight that while I'm here coming unglued, I have been receiving help and support from people that have absolutely humbled me in a wide variety of ways.

So for lack of a better term, let's call this a "Shout out" and "Thank you" post :)
And trust me, this is bare bone short list, I've gotten support from SO MANY this past week as I prepare for this, but these people have made such a huge impact over the last 48hrs, that I just might not have gotten through, or might have no hope come Wed morning when I "hit the streets", or at least be well informed enough.

Names linked to their Twitter accts:

First and foremost, Dr Mary McLaughlin. This woman has spent so much time this last 48hrs helping me make sense of my life up to this point, and more importantly teaching me that I don't need to feel that I have to deny myself the reality of my problems based on the idea that others have it worse. It doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering, and I do in fact have the right to acknowledge it and seek help.
What a wonderful person to be so giving of her over extended time to help a stranger so far away.
You're as cool as the other side of the pillow, Doc ;) THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart

Next Up, Mark Horvath. This guy is the equivalent of Superman to the homeless! LOL
I've "known" him through Twitter for a little over a week now, and in that time I swear every time I look he is someplace else doing something great for someone. One minute he's in some city treating one of his homeless friends to pizza and hanging out. Next minute he's in another city for a housewarming at the apartment of someone he helped off the street in the past. Then in the blink of an eye he's somewhere else being honored by another organization..... a puff of smoke, and pow, he's somewhere else doing something else that matters so much more than most of ever do.
Not to mention, seems as I've been researching countless organizations in this time, if you go to just about any website doing anything for the homeless... check the picture galleries, and Oh Look, there's Mark! I swear the man is just everywhere at once LOL
You got a question, or need something, he's either got the answers, or he's got someone already on the case. Plus he's got a sense of humor through it all. The guy is great, plain and simple
Thanks for all your help, encouragement, guidance, and a few laughs
Could spend all night just listing the links he seems to be involved in so I'll send you right to his blog and you can go from there

Next is Fran from Mitzvah Circle. Anyone remember the old navy movie "Mr Roberts"? Tony Curtis' character in that was one of those guys who could just kind of get you what you need, regardless what it was. She is kind of like that. I read countless posts on Twitter where somebody needs something random, and there she is saying "Oh yeah, hold on I got a box of those somewhere" and she sends them off to you.
She's currently helping me obtain something that I absolutely can't do without, just because it's what they do.
Your kindness is amazing, and your organization is nothing short of fantastic. Visit her site and give anything you can.. money, clothing, toiletries, gift cards, anything. They will see that it goes to someone, somewhere, who is in need!
My hat's off to you

Shay and Shane. I already spoke of these two a few articles down, but you can't have a shout out post without including them! These two are on the front lines, helping the homeless by going across the country and living amongst them. Granted, they're a little crazy, but that type of crazy that moves mountains just because they believe they can.
You want to put your privileged life in perspective, go to their site and read their story's. If they don't move you, then you need to make change in your own life.
That's what they give me.... perspective, and I can't stress the importance of that right now

There's SO MANY more people to thank that have helped in one way or another this past week, I can't list them all right now, but trust me, look up any of these people mentioned, and you'll find the rest as well, it's a very large, but very tight knit family. Simply amazing people.

So that's it, I figured with all my angry rants the last 2 nights, felt spreading some love was due! Overdue actually ;)

I think George Carlin said it best....
Take care of yourself, and take care of someone else.

What little difference a day makes

Wow... So yeah... let's see, where I'm at here...
So 24hrs ago as I reflect on the last ten years and how I landed in this situation, it brought me into my seasonal breakdown over the events of 9/11.
You have to understand, ten years later and I can still barely go a day without seeing some gratuitous images of the world trade center, or video footage, tattoo's, and endless roads of "never forget" bumper stickers. The latter being the most ironic of all, because I would fucking kill to forget, I've been trying every fucking day to forget.
But hey.... that was yesterday, and I try to move on.....

So yeah... 24hrs hours later, as if on cue from Gods handbook of how to fuck with me, Bin Laden is dead and there's parties going on at "ground zero"(god I hate that freakin tourist trap term), and the images are back ten fold. Facebook flooded with trade center pics from people from Kansas once again telling me to never forget. .. Ok, you fucking win, it's obvious I will NEVER forget, because you won't let me.
Maybe I should give in and buy a memorial coin set??
Speaking of never forgetting... Hey Joe American from someplace else who watched it on TV, bet the news didn't tell you 10 yrs ago that for like a week all you could smell downtown was burning flesh. I remember going home everyday and brushing my teeth like an obbsessed madman for the better part of an hour while in tears, just trying to get the taste of burning bodies out of my mouth. Didn't work by the way, there was no getting rid of it.
Never forget??.... Go fuck yourself! Each and every one of you symbol minded assholes with an american flag hat that holds beer cans, or your stars and stripes G strings

America seems happy, so I wont even bring up the reality that with a rogue organizations leader down, now their "best of the worst" will now start flexing their muscles to earn the top spot. But hey, we're a media driven society, and the villain is dead, so that means the movie is over and we can all go grab a snack.

Who says you can't go back??  It's like we're right back in the winter of 2001/2002.
Oh happy fucking day
So yeah, glad I was able to move on from my breakdown last night and try and put it behind me. Uggg

So on better topics, I've been speaking with people, both homeless and on the "proffesional" end of the homeless topic, and they all ensure me that living on the street would be the smarter and safer bet than going to a shelter. So there's that to look forward to.

Seriously, fuck this. I'm done

Everyone enjoy your "victory"

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Three little birds..... and they won't shut the fuck up

EDIT NOTE: The following post was made the night BEFORE the death of Bin Laden

First let me apologize in advance for whatever comes out of my "mouth" right now, because I'm incapable of filtering at the present moment. Anxiety is eating me alive at the moment to point I can barely breathe.
Been trying to sleep for hours now, and my racing thoughts are like a thousand people SCREAMING in my ear at once. Along with the birds outside that are incredibly over enthusiastic and vocal.
Just hours of panic and hatred for these birds.

Maybe the gung ho attitude I've had this past week has run it's coarse, maybe I've just put too much preasure on myself with it, maybe it's all the supportive "Hey this guy's going to be alright" that I've been getting from many others lately, but one thing seems aparent at this very moment... I am in over my fucking head. I'm new to this, so I've allowed myself a bit of idealism thinking my research will follow a set course and move me through in a timely fashion, but who the fuck am I kidding? I don't know the first damn thing about this shit.
I don't even know how the state I've been in for over a year and a half is even going to acknowledge me as one of it's own. My residence wasnt on paper, it was simply staying with a woman who was trying to help me get back to the person she knew I was, and I just sank deeper. She did everything for me and I couldn't do for myself. Even on my way out she one simple thing of me.. rather I offered, and I couldn't even pull myself together long enough to do that. And somehow she still loves and cares about me, and that in itself is just another example of me just not pulling my weight.
I don't understand how a subconscious part of me took control and played the main role in my life for so fucking long.
It was a chain reaction that occurred with a perfect recipe of tragedy, followed by false hopes leading to let downs, followed by more tragedy, more hopes and let downs, more tragedy...... but thats fucking life, isn't it?
On Sept 10th 2001, I was at the top of my game, but the next day I had to watch that bullshit go down live in front of me, not on TV, knowing I had friends there, knowing my girlfriend at the time was in there, knowing that one of my cooks who I recomended for the job was in there, and the just the numbers. So many people at once, and watching the little specs falling knowing they were people jumping choosing that as a better death.
I remember going to 17 memorial services in a 30 day period
Don't get me wrong, this isn't about 9/11, it's about why did the rest of the city bounce back and I didn't?
Why was every fucking choice I've made since then been a bad one? Why did I kid myself thinking it was going to be a "fresh start" for me to just start working for myself doing other things?
The funniest shit ever is I remember saying to myself and others, because I had worked so hard and so long at my carreer, that i was "taking my life back".... holy shit, you talk about a defining moment in life that if I could rewind to and do over, that was it.
I didnt take a fucking thing back, I threw my life out like it was fucking trash, and removed myself so far from the system, that now I have no clue what the fuck I'm supposed to do.
I have a ten year hole in my life, a state ID from a RI, Massachusetts food stamps card, can't see two feet in front of me, and it's 5:14 in the morning, I'm in tears, and the only reason I'm writing now is because it's the only way I can focus a singular thing..... well this and the birds.
Soon as I'm done my head will go back to a thousand screaming thoughts bringing me closer to insanity.

Why the fuck couldn't I bounce back????????
Make no mistake, my life was FAR from charmed before 9/11... everything of my childhood was complete shit. But I left soon as I could and I paved my own way... I bounced back. What the fuck happened to me??

Why have I essentially slept through every oportunity? Why have I disapointed the single greatest person to enter my life? WHY THE FUCK WON'T THESE BIRDS SHUT UP???????

And now I'm supposed to just  turn it all right around?
Holy shit... what the fuck did I do to myself?

Anyway, I guess I'm done, and I'll try sleeping again.
Oh and by the way, seeing as I now have The Sisters of Mercy following me, I guess I should apologize for the language! LOL Sorry Sisters, I'm just really on the brink here. I'll try more uplifting tomorrow hopefully