Sunday, June 19, 2011

It's official, you've broken me

It had to happen, at this rate who wouldn't pop? I'm sure tomorrow after some sleep I'll be fine again, but at this moment I am just completely, and utterly, overwhelmed.
It's all too damn much!
I haven't slept past 6am in 7 weeks, I have people left and right asking me to help them/bring them for food stamps and health benefits. I'm writing for a paper that doesn't understand the very concept of their own mantra. I'm bringing sandwiches from the shelter to people out in the streets and no matter how many I pack it's just never enough.
I'm trying to put together an information packet full of all the needed info that oddly enough never gets given by the very systems and organizations that are in place to do so.
I'm camp counselor at the shelter for everyone's problems because they'd rather talk to me then the councilors that are paid to be there for them.
I'm getting people places to live during their time out of the shelter.
Taking pops down to housing office to fill out his final round of paperwork.
I'm trying to go around and see what everyone needs so Mitzvah Circle can help these people get things.
My psychiatrist /  case manager is under the ridiculous notion that I'm a genius that hasn't been challenged till now, so he gives me homework assignments like simplify the housing process in a week.
I'm trying to build a website for an organization to help street artists.
I'm trying to organize events and outings for people at the shelter so they can get a sense of dignity back in their lives, and because of lack of funds I will need to tell many/most that I simply can't take them.
The TINY bit of money I get goes mostly to others. The only thing I spend on myself in over a month is my subway/bus pass, and cheap ass tobacco to roll my own cigarettes so $10 worth lasts 2 weeks. And even that I'm in a world where I can't go 5 minutes without being asked for a smoke. The other day I gave away 3 cigarettes before I ever even got out of bed, or even the covers off of me!
I attend meetings to gather job info and housing info that don't even apply to me just so I can get it to others who may need it.
How much can I do for the homeless? I'M FUCKING HOMELESS!!!! 

I'm sitting under a tree contemplating simply never leaving this spot. It seems like the only spot on the planet right now where someone doesn't expect something from me. I need things, I need attention, I need affection, I need understanding, I need time, I need all the same things I'm trying to give others. 
It's just too much

PS: I really mean no disrespect with this next statement, and I know you all mean well, but please stop sending me messages of how God will look after me, or I'm doing Gods work. You have to understand, from my beliefs and perspective it's the same as telling me I'll be looked after by the tooth fairy
I appreciate the sentiment,m but it aggravates me even further. And if I'm wrong and there is a God then quite honestly it seems more like I'm cleaning up his mess and I'm not overly impressed.

3 comments:

  1. Sounds like U need to start saying NO, and start focusing on yourself for now til you somehow U get your life where you want it, or at least headed in a good happy direction. People can smell when your the type of person who will give the shirt off your back, and just keep pushing, and not caring about your problems, just help theirs. I've been homeless, lived in shelters...people in there take take take and forget to give, and they'd grab it from you like in a race for the gold and knock U over to get it first and forget you have needs too. Ohhh yeah, and if U have a car, they want a ride here, want a ride there, and now your a chauffer! Take care of U right now, worry about God later. "The bible says the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one, and obviously. We can all see that... just have 2 climb higher to rise above the crowd.

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  2. United Street Artists CEOJune 19, 2011 at 4:49 PM

    This dudes the man, people don't even know -

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  3. Sounds like burn out to me.... happens a lot in human services work.

    For myself, I think it's important to put taking care of myself at the top of the list and then to set limits around what is and is not do-able. As a result, I've become quite skilled at saying "No."

    Unfortunately, you are in a position where it's nearly impossible to get away from all the needs people express. Not sure what the solution is but perhaps you could designate a day or two or three per week as your days off and train others to accept that restriction.

    I hope you will feel better tomorrow.

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