Saturday, June 25, 2011

I'm awake after 10 years. Now what?

Talk about your “standing at the crossroads” scenario; Here I am, 43 yrs old, homeless, and about to begin a whole new life. Sounds great, but fact is I have not a clue what is going to happen to next.
I now have a team of people working together on my needs regarding psychological , case management, career development, and housing. They all seem to have very high expectations from me.
Now I’m not saying this in a bad way, I am very fortunate for these people. I’m flattered by their expectations because these are some brilliant people with a lot of letters after their names, but I still can’t help but feel they see a bit more in me than I might be able to give them.
They want me to plan on pursuing advanced degree’s in the near future, and all I can think about how bad I want a day where I could sleep till like 9am in a soft bed.
I’ll be starting to look for work this week. What type of job isn’t important right now, they just want me to work for like 30 days while they monitor me, and then they’ll start working on getting me in ground level in Human Services.
This is all great, because I can still work and get disabled housing due to my PTSD, so at least I can get some cash again and start saving, as well as get my mind back to work, yet still, here I am 43 yrs old, litterally starting life over from scratch, but with advantages I never realized I had, and invaluable insight.
I’m still getting used to this new sensation of wanting to help others. My “team” seems to think with some schooling I can do this on a grand level, but I’ve also witnessed so much being overlooked by people trying to help the world, and getting lost in the process while forgetting they can help “a person”. That is the last thing I want to do.
So while I’m trying to figure all this out, I also need to figure what type of job I want to hold as a “test”. The obvious answer is to cook, but I almost feel at this point that is a part of the past, that carries many reminders and issues that might be best left behind.
So do I just go sweep a floor somewhere while a master plan for my life is put together?
Again this is all well and good, but all I can think about is how tired I am, and the harsh reality that this won’t get any better until I’m actually housed, can sleep on something soft, with a real pillow, and actually sleep later than 6am.
How long can I remain truly unrested before it becomes irreversible? Yesterday at one point in the day, when I was actually feeling my very best, someone said to me “Man, you look exhausted”. Will this look go away? Will I ever truly wake up again? LOL
May sound silly, but I’m starting to learn that these things stay with you. I met a woman this morning at McDonalds, who is staying at the woman’s shelter. She was probably early 30’s, a VERY attractive woman, but looking in her eyes, hearing her tone when talking to her, and even noticing her facial expressions… this woman had reached a level of sadness and despair that I truly believe is irreversible. You could see in her eyes, that any chances of her feeling happy again seem impossible. For all intent and purposes, she was dead inside, and I don‘t there‘s a situation in life that could change that at this point.
It was heartbreaking.

I’m not comparing this to my being tired, and frankly I don’t even know what I’m writing about any more, I just know I’m tired, confused, broke, & hungry, all at the same time that I am excited, anxious, eager, and passionate. These two mindsets are so extreme they are having a hard time coexisting in a single mind.

Anyway, I’ve lost my point, it’s raining, and I don’t even know if I’m in a good mood or not.

Oh, and did I mention that that my big 4th of July Homeless BBQ is probably going to be a big flop. I can afford to bring myself and 4 others so far.
That is a lot of people that are going to get left behind, and even worse I have to tell them this.
I doubt I’ll be attempting these kind of events again. The pressure is too much, and I don’t have it in me to disappoint people who have nothing else.

1 comment:

  1. I've seen people who were homeless after they obtained housing and I have been astonished at how healthy and vibrant they looked given the way they had looked while homeless so I think the "dead inside" look is reversible. It was also astonishing how quickly this transformation happened - literally within months.

    Obtaining access to safe, secure, and private housing - where you can set your own schedule, hours and pace - is a very powerful remedy