I'm at the breaking point. It seems no matter what I do for others, for this stupid fucking shelter, nothing matters.
When I need even the slightest thing, I'm treated like a piece of shit. The fact that I follow every rule to the letter counts for nothing. The fact that I'm right there in the middle of just about every altercation to defuse the issue, counts for nothing. I go out of my to try and make people see a more positive aproach to being here. I act as fucking camp councelor for everyone on a broad range of topics I treat every staff member in here with nothing but respect, and when I simply ask to stay out a little late on my birthday so a friend can take me to dinner, the answer is NO.
Now mind you, while I'm in here, there will be NO LESS than 10 people signed out for AA or NA meeting, or even fucking bible study, and of those 10 MAYBE 2 of them will actually go to the meetings The rest will do whatever the fuck they feel like, just because they can.
I'm fucking punished for not having a substance abuse problem, or wanting to "study" 2000 year old fairy tales!!!
I just need a fucking break!! I'm being pulled in 18 god damn directions at once trying to follow a path to helping others on a grand scale, but when I need a little something, like a little time, to HELP ME, I get nothing!
This morning I was barely holding it together, but I had an apointment with my psycho therapist, so I figured that'll be good and help calm me...... MY PSYCHO THERAPIST STOOD ME UP!!! What the fuck!!
Really, I've had it, I could give a shit any more about anyone's rules, I could give a shit about helping anyone........ that's another thing, everyone always with the "Oh thank God there's good people like you to help"..... you people don't know a god damn thing about me! Trust me, I'm not that good! I've done a lot of vile shit in my day. This whole do gooder thing is brand new to me, and for all I know will pass. So please don't expect too much from me, I'm just another asshole from the streets of Brooklyn who did whatever the fuck I had to do to survive.
Fuck this place..... fuck my team and their "big plans" for MY future.... I'm tired, I'm broke, and I'm done giving a shit. I'd rather just go hit the streets, and hustle my way back up the financial ladder and house myself. I'm smarter than most of the people telling me how to live right now, and frankly can't figure out why I'm listening.
Wed is my birthday, and Wed night I will be out doing whatever the fuck I want to do. If I loose my bed, I loose my bed. I've certainly been thrown out of better places than this.
Hey staff, if you read this..... FUCK YOU
Sincerely,
Bed #10
What you do really matters and even if you are not acknowledged for all of the help you provide people are changed every day by you and all of the small acts of kindness.
ReplyDeleteI was stood up by a doctor this morning too-- what are the odds of that?
Sorry about that. I think many people who work in shelters just like the power and control over another person. It will pass though. You are a good person though in my opinion, and stronger than me in many ways. Keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteP.J. AKA "streetworker213"