Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Just a Little Bit of Me

Moving through the system as fast as I have, I guess I grew into a sense of confidence and empowerment. Yet there were certain aspects that I had never counted on.
Everyday I meet people who have deep issues transitioning from one step to the next. I assumed I had been impervious to this, yet recently, it's hit me like a ton of bricks, that I no longer knew who I was.
I've felt this sensation in the recent past when dealing with the fact that since my "re-awakening" I've become much more of the "do-gooder" than previous versions of myself, and still getting used to being this way. However I never really factored that I might actually fall victim to some of the more stereotypical issues.
I had become not only used to a jail house environment, but I'd actually grown grateful for it.

There's a fantastic book I recently read called "Breaking Night", by Liz Murray.
This is her story of going from homelessness to graduating from Harvard.
It's a complete inspiration to me, but the other day I recalled something she said, and it suddenly became so clear... "I was, for that period of time, a witness more than a participant in my life. And even if I try hard, I can only remember certain pieces"

As I find myself moving forward, in a much more humane environment, I no longer know how to deal with certain normalcy.

This past weekend, I found myself back up at 6am again, and going out even in hurricane of depression, it actually frightens me. It felt as if sitting home would be like an alcoholic staring at a drink all day. The anxiety got to me, to where I simply couldn't do it. I still find myself asking permission for things like a second cup of coffee in the morning, because I can't understand how I can just have all the coffee I want.
I panic if I leave the house thinking that maybe I left socks under the bed by mistake, in fear I'll somehow come "home" to my bags packed for me.
Moving about freely, not explaining where I'm going. Able to simply go out to the park to grab wifi at night if I choose.
Women... well lets face it that's always a tricky topic, but even meeting someone and spending some fun innocent flirtatious time together, I can't help but feel the whole world is supposed to blow up if I pursue any further.

It just seems every little thing is so much more complicated this time around, that I don't know which of it is me being focused on the goals, and how much is just shell shock, so to speak, since my feelings of being stripped of myself started occurring. This has me a little high strung this week, and even came unglued once or twice. To those who experienced this, I do apologize, but I am mentally "ill", so cut me some slack. At least it usually turns to good material

Stay thirsty, my friends
Gary, aka John Doe

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