Over the last decade I found myself slipping further away with each passing day, feeling helpless as each day was seeming moving towards an inevitable disastrous ending. Growing further from my former self, feeling more empty inside every day.
While everyday went by like this, I also had to deal with the yearly pain of acknowledging a particular day, September 11th. A day that I would have liked to see simply removed from the calendar and never spoken of again. Now this in itself was an important statement, because it's that wall you build around yourself when trying to avoid the realities around you, that finally closes up around you till you are left in a cold dark place all alone in your mind.
Life moved on around me, and I was left in a state where I not only didn't want to join in, but I couldn't even understand how everyone else managed to move on with their day to day life. How was it that they seemed almost immune to life's problems? How were they able to simply get out of bed and proceed with a normal day? More importantly why couldn't I do that anymore?
Whatever small or big task ahead of became an overwhelming force in my life. The idea of a day that didn't involve tears, or crippling waves of anxiety became an idealistic notion, that I was no longer able to achieve.
Needless to say September 11th, the date itself, became a day that wasn't just a normal emotional struggle, but a reminder of the "monster" that had been able to effortlessly take my life away from me as if I had no right to any longer. Worst part is..... I let it go without a fight.
So here we are, 10 years later. I can't say this day feels good, because I'm filled with sadness for the loss of of many people close to me, as well as all the others I didn't know, but cried for on a daily basis as the event replays in my head.
However this year something has changed. I'm no longer afraid of the day; and by this I mean everyday. Somehow in the midst of what was , in my mind, to be the final chapter of my life, something happened that I no longer thought possible. I've taken my life back. Small tasks are nothing to me, and big tasks, and obstacles, have become the fuel that drives me. My fear has become wide eyed curiosity, my anxiety turned to ambition, and I no longer fear for how I'll continue living another year. I now think about my future and become filled with excitement knowing that my life can be anything that I make of it, and my helplessness has become power. Not just power to help myself, but the power, and determination to help others.
It's certainly not a day to celebrate, but somehow 9/11 became a day that started me on a journey. A very slow starting journey, but now ten years later, I've become almost unstoppable, and stronger than ever.
For the first time in ten years, I can honestly say that I no longer feel I died that day as well, for I am now freshly back to life, stronger than ever.
Turns out there was no monster at the end of the book....... it was just ME ;-)
Thank you to all who have helped me see this, helped me turn things around, and stuck by me. I have love for you all that most could never ever understand.