Higher Ground

Setting personal standards for yourself can be very tricky. Now factor in that I'm still in a process in my life where I'm still, for lack of better term, getting to know my new self
By this I mean that decisions I've made up to this point have led me down a path towards a future in human services. There's still several different angles I could see my carreer in HS going, but the one common factor is that I want to help people better themselves. By this there means a commitment to helping someone grow internally as well as socially, financially and so on.
My one rule is that I want to help people do this the right way, and legit. I want to help the system and the people, so I have to walk a moral high ground here.
Now this is where I'm still adjusting. Not that I was a bad guy, but as I've stated in the past I certainly was no angle, and growing up alone on the streets of Brooklyn, I hustled So fact is, I could play this system effortlessly, if it was not for the new ethic code that I find myself adhering to.

I did something drastic today. It was not a hasty decision, it's something I've been leading up to for a couple of weeks now, but I've officially denounced all things disability based I've pulled my claim for SSI.
This means now that I'm now no longer entitled to welfare either, so now my income stands at $0, while still actually dealing with my TEMPORARY disabilities
Fact is there is no assistance for someone who needs a bit of time to get themselves back in working order. I'm encouraged to sit back, not work, and wait for the big retro active check, and a lifetime of payments. payments Same with housing. I've just pulled myself off the lists for disabled housing. This is a biggie.
I've essentially just sentenced myself to a longer wait on housing, and lesser quality housing. The fact is at this point, on a personal level I refuse to be attached to papers stating that I'm disabled. I'm more "able" then I've ever been in my life.
I will use this empowerment to do this on my own before I will spend ANY more time and effort even just discussing these issues with my team of doctors and case managers. Some of my team is applauding this decision, and others not so pleased, but regardless, this is MY life, not theirs, and not the systems. I will not let ANYONE look at me as disabled.

Now the impact here, is where the frustration comes in. I'm fucking penniless, and any little bit of cash that I come across goes to bare basics, as well as helping others who need little things here and there.
This is not the problem, I choose to help, this is the path I've found myself on, but once in a while I need little things too, that seem to take on a higher sense of importance.
Since moving into this new shelter I haven't been able to receive mail. Just about everything I own comes from MitzvahCircle.org Fran's had a brand new pair of white leather sneakers waiting weeks for me to be ready to receive them. Apparently the UPS guy addressed to "Greg" instead of Gary, and the shelter refused the package. Now I understand them refusing it, they simply can't accept a package for someone not here, and Greg doesn't live here :)

The stupid fact is... and yes it's petty, but next week I'm attending the Social Media Summit in Boston, as well as throwing a public event for homeless people, human service workers, and social media experts. I had been given some really nice shirts, and I was excited that I was going to have fresh, clean, white leather, sneakers to round out the outfits. I know right now my ex is laughing about that part, simply because she knows it's purely a Brooklyn thing!
When you see me in a new pair of white leather sneakers, you know I'm in my zone and feeling good..... what can I say, everyone has their thing, and sneakers are mine.

Going back to my point... if I didn't have to stick to this new ethic code, I'd have a few bucks to get shit like sneakers without having to wait on help of others.
Many of the people I'm helping are walking around with nice shit because they get big fat checks, and their doctors write them endless prescriptions that they immediately turn around and sell on the street.
However good ol' new morally just Gary is making it through on next to nothing, giving away the little I have, and hosting a public event somehow with $150 and every penny of my food stamps for the month
Sad part is, the majority of people that I'm going to help in my future career, as well as now, would look at me as a fool for doing things this way, just so I can feel appropriate in the foundation of my guidance

Ehh..... I'm not changing my mind, and saying I regret any of this, guess I just needed to vent! LOL Still getting use to being this new pierson

Gary J