Homelessness does keep you humble

Certain things you should be able to be exited about, yet can't.
I remember when my first article was published in the paper, but I didn't have the dollar to buy a copy.
Now today I had a mention on CNN, but did I get to see it? Of course not! Lol

Forever humble,
Gary

Boston Legal

So as I'm at this cross road in life, it's become very clear to me, and to anyone who reads this blog, that I've taken strongly to helping those less equipped to help themselves.
So the question becomes how do I make this into a career and make enough to live while helping worthy causes?
While i'm getting great personal satisfaction helping others from within while living in a shelter, I certainly dont want to remain in homeless shelters helping those within it's walls forever.
So how do I continue to help?
More importantly, how do I make real change and real difference. Social work is great, but the more I learn from helping others is that most social workers hands are tied by the system they work under.
So the real question becomes how do I untie their hands?......... LAW

Not etched in stone yet, but with more and more serious thought I'm thinking pursuing a law degree might be the most effective answer for me.

My "dream team"(psych/case mngr/life coach), as I call them, are dying to hear me say that I'm ready to start working on advanced degrees, so I have a feeling this will please them as well :) Not that this is about them, I just know they'll be excited.

So watch out world. I'm from the mean streets of Brooklyn, i'm highly intelligent, and I have first hand knowledge of problems in the system for the homeless, and one day i'll have my law degree.
I am a triple threat!!

That being said, will you guys PLEASE help me get this 4th of July BBQ going properly? Donate!
These are all sober, clean, good people working at repairing their lives, they... and myself.... need a good fun day to remember what we're working for!

Thanks for listening,
Gary aka John Doe

I'm awake after 10 years. Now what?

Talk about your “standing at the crossroads” scenario; Here I am, 43 yrs old, homeless, and about to begin a whole new life. Sounds great, but fact is I have not a clue what is going to happen to next.
I now have a team of people working together on my needs regarding psychological , case management, career development, and housing. They all seem to have very high expectations from me.
Now I’m not saying this in a bad way, I am very fortunate for these people. I’m flattered by their expectations because these are some brilliant people with a lot of letters after their names, but I still can’t help but feel they see a bit more in me than I might be able to give them.
They want me to plan on pursuing advanced degree’s in the near future, and all I can think about how bad I want a day where I could sleep till like 9am in a soft bed.
I’ll be starting to look for work this week. What type of job isn’t important right now, they just want me to work for like 30 days while they monitor me, and then they’ll start working on getting me in ground level in Human Services.
This is all great, because I can still work and get disabled housing due to my PTSD, so at least I can get some cash again and start saving, as well as get my mind back to work, yet still, here I am 43 yrs old, litterally starting life over from scratch, but with advantages I never realized I had, and invaluable insight.
I’m still getting used to this new sensation of wanting to help others. My “team” seems to think with some schooling I can do this on a grand level, but I’ve also witnessed so much being overlooked by people trying to help the world, and getting lost in the process while forgetting they can help “a person”. That is the last thing I want to do.
So while I’m trying to figure all this out, I also need to figure what type of job I want to hold as a “test”. The obvious answer is to cook, but I almost feel at this point that is a part of the past, that carries many reminders and issues that might be best left behind.
So do I just go sweep a floor somewhere while a master plan for my life is put together?
Again this is all well and good, but all I can think about is how tired I am, and the harsh reality that this won’t get any better until I’m actually housed, can sleep on something soft, with a real pillow, and actually sleep later than 6am.
How long can I remain truly unrested before it becomes irreversible? Yesterday at one point in the day, when I was actually feeling my very best, someone said to me “Man, you look exhausted”. Will this look go away? Will I ever truly wake up again? LOL
May sound silly, but I’m starting to learn that these things stay with you. I met a woman this morning at McDonalds, who is staying at the woman’s shelter. She was probably early 30’s, a VERY attractive woman, but looking in her eyes, hearing her tone when talking to her, and even noticing her facial expressions… this woman had reached a level of sadness and despair that I truly believe is irreversible. You could see in her eyes, that any chances of her feeling happy again seem impossible. For all intent and purposes, she was dead inside, and I don‘t there‘s a situation in life that could change that at this point.
It was heartbreaking.

I’m not comparing this to my being tired, and frankly I don’t even know what I’m writing about any more, I just know I’m tired, confused, broke, & hungry, all at the same time that I am excited, anxious, eager, and passionate. These two mindsets are so extreme they are having a hard time coexisting in a single mind.

Anyway, I’ve lost my point, it’s raining, and I don’t even know if I’m in a good mood or not.

Oh, and did I mention that that my big 4th of July Homeless BBQ is probably going to be a big flop. I can afford to bring myself and 4 others so far.
That is a lot of people that are going to get left behind, and even worse I have to tell them this.
I doubt I’ll be attempting these kind of events again. The pressure is too much, and I don’t have it in me to disappoint people who have nothing else.

Only enough raised for 5 ppl so far, 4th July Homeless BBQ

Tried getting us a discount, but no go. Still only have enough to get myself and 4 others there so far.
****************************

Ok, so I want to try this again! Last time we got enough to have the BBQ at the local park, but this time for 4th of July I really want to take some of the guys to the BBQ area on the Boston Harbor Islands! Problem here is with bus, train, & Ferry, we're looking at about $23 a head just in transportation.
We can cover food with our food stamps, but the travel, and other items such as plates, utensils, coal, and so on are items that need to be purchased with actual cash.
Last time for the memorial day BBQ, I had too many guys to be able to take them to the Island, so we did it locally. This time, and I hate to do it this way, but I've very set on going to the Harbor Islands, so I'm going to go by how many I can afford to take. Starting with myself, then Pops, and then moving down the line. I REALLY do not want to turn anyone away, and it would be anywhere from 5 to 10 guys. However if I can only bring 2 or 3, then that's how it has to be, I can't switch to local park this time.
One of the main reasons for being set on the Island for the 4th is because the USS Constitution, which is still "active", comes out for a run around the harbor, firing canons and all. Other ships come to honor it, and I can't really put it to words, but it is an incredibly moving sight. To see it still  out in the same waters it protected over 200 years ago, is very moving. I'm not even that patriotic and last year when I went with my ex it actually made me tear up a bit.
I want Pops and the other guys to experience this event this year, along with some good food, music, and conversation!

I had a very generous offer to host a reg BBQ for the entire shelter, but after speaking to the staff, there is too much to factor in for that to be realistic, essentially I would be responsible for making sure everyone is sober, and frankly I know many of the guys there, and no way I'm taking on that responsibility, not a chance in hell! LOL

But for a select few, who are clean, sober, and working hard towards a better life, I want to create a tryly memorable day.
So I'm starting collection early, because this is going to be a costly one, but if you want to help touch actual lives and make a difference, then anything you can give is greatly appreciated.
Even the last BBQ at the local park.. I can't tell you what it did for moral for these guys, and the sense of "normalcy" it gave them, has effected their everyday actions on many levels. I know it's a BBQ, but trust me, I'm here on the inside, this IS important, and it has amazing healing and helping qualities!!!.

Somebody better not pinch me

So i'm on this little island off of Boston Harbor. Actually it's one of the islands I want to take the fellas for the 4th. Came here today because they had free ferry rides for first day of summer.

The serenity here right now is fantastic. I napped in the sun, napped in the shade, now just sitting under a tree listening to Hotel California.
However there is something odd going on. It appears as if the island is currently occupied by only myself, and hot asian women!
I swear, any second now i'm going to wake up in the shelter in a room of 40 snoring and farting men! Lol
It's too good to be true

If anyone wakes me from my island paradise, so help me god there will be hell to pay!

Smelling the flowers

Ok so I'm trying to relax today and get my head clear.
Days off to a nice start, seen my ex briefly. She always has good words of encouragement. Sadly I used to knock her for it when I was a depressed asshole, but thats another story. Now I listen and appreciate them. And you absolutely lovely this morning if I may say :)

From there it's been just trying to relax and focus.
Got a call from editor of Spare Change News, and we cleared the air. As for title it was a mix up, and it's all good. As for other stuff, it's a work in progress.
I'm emotional and I write what I feel when I feel it, and thats why you asked me to write for you. So expect me to explode from time to time, it's what I do, and sometimes I just need to get it off my chest, and most times dont feel that way the next day. However that being said, I will never hold back, apologize, edit or remove what I wrote in the moment :)

Waiting on a nice free lunch today, and not getting involved in anyones stuff.
All about me right now ;)

Gary

It's official, you've broken me

It had to happen, at this rate who wouldn't pop? I'm sure tomorrow after some sleep I'll be fine again, but at this moment I am just completely, and utterly, overwhelmed.

It's all too damn much!

I haven't slept past 6am in 7 weeks, I have people left and right asking me to help them/bring them for food stamps and health benefits. I'm writing for a paper that doesn't understand the very concept of their own mantra. I'm bringing sandwiches from the shelter to people out in the streets and no matter how many I pack it's just never enough.

I'm trying to put together an information packet full of all the needed info that oddly enough never gets given by the very systems and organizations that are in place to do so.

I'm camp counselor at the shelter for everyone's problems because they'd rather talk to me then the councilors that are paid to be there for them.
I'm getting people places to live during their time out of the shelter.
Taking pops down to housing office to fill out his final round of paperwork.

I'm trying to go around and see what everyone needs so Mitzvah Circle can help these people get things.

My psychiatrist /  case manager is under the ridiculous notion that I'm a genius that hasn't been challenged till now, so he gives me homework assignments like simplify the housing process in a week.

I'm trying to build a website for an organization to help street artists.

I'm trying to organize events and outings for people at the shelter so they can get a sense of dignity back in their lives, and because of lack of funds I will need to tell many/most that I simply can't take them.

The TINY bit of money I get goes mostly to others. The only thing I spend on myself in over a month is my subway/bus pass, and cheap ass tobacco to roll my own cigarettes so $10 worth lasts 2 weeks. And even that I'm in a world where I can't go 5 minutes without being asked for a smoke. The other day I gave away 3 cigarettes before I ever even got out of bed, or even the covers off of me!

I attend meetings to gather job info and housing info that don't even apply to me just so I can get it to others who may need it.

How much can I do for the homeless? I'M FUCKING HOMELESS!!!! 

I'm sitting under a tree contemplating simply never leaving this spot. It seems like the only spot on the planet right now where someone doesn't expect something from me. I need things, I need attention, I need affection, I need understanding, I need time, I need all the same things I'm trying to give others. 

It's just too much

PS: I really mean no disrespect with this next statement, and I know you all mean well, but please stop sending me messages of how God will look after me, or I'm doing Gods work. You have to understand, from my beliefs and perspective it's the same as telling me I'll be looked after by the tooth fairy
I appreciate the sentiment,m but it aggravates me even further. And if I'm wrong and there is a God then quite honestly it seems more like I'm cleaning up his mess and I'm not overly impressed.