Screw this!

I'm at the breaking point. It seems no matter what I do for others, for this stupid fucking shelter, nothing matters.
When I need even the slightest thing, I'm treated like a piece of shit. The fact that I follow every rule to the letter counts for nothing. The fact that I'm right there in the middle of just about every altercation to defuse the issue, counts for nothing. I go out of my to try and make people see a more positive aproach to being here. I act as fucking camp councelor for everyone on a broad range of topics I treat every staff member in here with nothing but respect, and when I simply ask to stay out a little late on my birthday so a friend can take me to dinner, the answer is NO.
Now mind you, while I'm in here, there will be NO LESS than 10 people signed out for AA or NA meeting, or even fucking bible study, and of those 10 MAYBE 2 of them will actually go to the meetings The rest will do whatever the fuck they feel like, just because they can.
I'm fucking punished for not having a substance abuse problem, or wanting to "study" 2000 year old fairy tales!!!

I just need a fucking break!! I'm being pulled in 18 god damn directions at once trying to follow a path to helping others on a grand scale, but when I need a little something, like a little time, to HELP ME, I get nothing!
This morning I was barely holding it together, but I had an apointment with my psycho therapist, so I figured that'll be good and help calm me...... MY PSYCHO THERAPIST STOOD ME UP!!! What the fuck!!

Really, I've had it, I could give a shit any more about anyone's rules, I could give a shit about helping anyone........ that's another thing, everyone always with the "Oh thank God there's good people like you to help"..... you people don't know a god damn thing about me! Trust me, I'm not that good! I've done a lot of vile shit in my day. This whole do gooder thing is brand new to me, and for all I know will pass. So please don't expect too much from me, I'm just another asshole from the streets of Brooklyn who did whatever the fuck I had to do to survive.

Fuck this place..... fuck my team and their "big plans" for MY future.... I'm tired, I'm broke, and I'm done giving a shit. I'd rather just go hit the streets, and hustle my way back up the financial ladder and house myself. I'm smarter than most of the people telling me how to live right now, and frankly can't figure out why I'm listening.
Wed is my birthday, and Wed night I will be out doing whatever the fuck I want to do. If I loose my bed, I loose my bed. I've certainly been thrown out of better places than this.

Hey staff, if you read this..... FUCK YOU

Sincerely,
Bed #10

Sick and tired

Well I just wrote a long post on this topic, pouring my heart out on many issues. An exhausting process when using the phone. I saved as a draft, because I post via email when writing on phone, and now it's gone!

So there ya go, one more poetic moment that further makes me fucking "sick and tired".
Somethings gotta give

The Air Is Thin Up Here

This new heightened sense of self is making it hard to breathe.
Meaning with all these new challenges being thrown at me, and all these new directions my life is taking for the better, I feel a sense of rebirth. Not religiously, I mean it in the literal sense.
It's like coming out of a ten year coma, and i'm relearning life.
However for someone still wobbling on their new legs, i'm taking very big steps, and trying to make some very big decisions. Sometimes seemingly too big.

Then you look at the obstacles surrounding it... How the hell am I in a position to make major life choices, when i'm constantly tired.
I can't prioritize right now, i'm distracted by billboards with hamburgers because I eat bologna 6 days a week.
I need to sit on a cushion for longer than it takes for the doctor to come get me.
Pardon my bluntness, but I need the touch of a woman...... Good god I need the touch of a woman!
My brain is a scrambled mess, and it seems every decision I have to make is over the top important... and I just want a moment to breathe, catch up, and look at all this with a clear head.
Yet I know this won't happen. Shelter living is not designed to meld with multiple positive aspects of life. It just don't balance.

A very tired,
Gary aka John Doe

A birthday nap

Here's the deal, my birthday is on the 20th, and i seriously need one night in a real bed, with ac, & tv.
I'm begging.... I'm tired and it don't go away! Lol
Read my blog and look at everything done in under 9 weeks. Trust me on this, it's exhausting.
I simply need one night in a cheap hotel. I believe motel six in Braintree is like $80.
I'm desperate for one real nights sleep to recharge.

Anything you can afford towards this goal is appreciated. Big things coming up and I need a 12hr nap and mindless tv. Lol

Also if anyone would like to donate an old laptop or digital camera, i'm desperate for something for writing and photography.
Someone offered me an old camera, but it takes batteries and I can't afford to keep replacing. So ANYTHING digital with a usb connect.

Foot in the door

Today was a very interesting morning. I met with, as I like to refer to him, "My Guru" to do our weekly sit down and figure out just what I am doing with my life. However today he had a surprise for me! He had apparently had a long discussion with his supervisor regarding my case, and they came up with an opportunity for me!
Seeing as for the most part I can't do too much in human services right now due to the fact that I'm not trained, and I'm still active in the system, there hasn't been much I could do. However they offered me the "position"(unpaid) to be a "Peer Supervisor"! Still even a little unclear on just what the topics will be, but I'm going to basically be holding group meetings/workshops for fellow homeless, to inspire, motivate, talk, educate, whatever.
They will provide me a place to hold them, they will advertise it, and all that, and I'll do.... well.... whatever that is! LOL
For something I'm still unclear about, I'm very excited! :) It means I got a foot in the door for human services, it means I get to help people on a pseudo professional level, it means I get experience in human services, and it never hurts or looks bad to organizations that I'm looking for assistance from regarding housing and furthering my education!

I'm quite damn excited!!
Not bad for 2 months homeless ;)

Gary aka John Doe

Getting our own "house" in order

This may be an unpopular post, but it really needs to be said.
More and more there are those of us who are homeless and speaking out for others, trying to sway public opinion, but we really need to do some "in house" work to make ourselves presentable to be taken serious.
There is a picture floating around twitter tonight from a Mcdonalds stating along the lines that "This is not a hang out, or a shelter"
Granted they could, and should, have used more tact, but lets be honest with ourselves. We, meaning the homeless, abuse the shit out of Mcdonalds across the country on a daily basis.
How about "we" learn to flush a god damn toilet once in a while. Maybe they won't dislike us as much if they're not spending the day cleaning up your piss and shit.
Maybe "we" can learn not to curse, abnormally loud no less, in front of every woman and child. Maybe 5 of us, don't need 4 tables!
We have to start being responsible for ourselves, and teaching others to do the same.

When you're getting a free meal somewhere, how about we just stick to "thank you", and not bitch about the selection, or even in cases I've witnessed, even complain about the presentation! The fucking presentation!!! Seriously? Shut your ungrateful mouth and be thankful someone is willing to look past that and feed your stupid ass.

I know it's a sickness, but maybe even cut back on excessive alcohol and drug use before noon! Especially when you are holding a sign about how you're sober and just going through a tough time, while hunched over nodding.

Jesus even projects like home first.. Yes, the numbers make sense to house someone rather than keep in shelter, but how about we also acknowledge the cost of the damage "we" do to some of these apartments, or the fact that the furniture from a voucher is turned around and sold right away for drugs or booze. The numbers start to change!

I don't know the answer, or how to "police our own" so to speak, but we're speaking for a group, and alot of us are fucked up, so we better have some good stuff to say, because we have alot of slack to pick up.

Just sayin'

Gary aka John Doe

Added a photos page

Nothing fancy, just wanted to get some photos onto the site in one spot.

VISIT PHOTO PAGE